The first time I walked into a Hearing Voices group, I was terrified.
I still feel this terror, sometimes. It’s like an old character in my mind, that mostly takes the form of a deep, low, rumbling ache in my stomach. She’s like a woman, who has me by the throat, forbidding me to speak. It’s for my own safety, you see.
So I didn’t speak.
But I watched and listened to others speak about their experiences hearing voices, seeing visions and the like. And for a long time, I attended groups this way. Never saying a word. I think there’s a lot to be understood about things we’re not supposed to experience, not supposed to talk about and certainly not supposed to have in common with others. For me, it seem that these things that go unexpressed remain partially un-experienced. But if something is not fully experienced, how can it be adequately expressed?
The wonderful thing about this group, Portland Hearing Voices, was all of the space.
I’m not sure why it seems that so many people have such strong feelings and opinions about other peoples experiences. It also seems that there are certain topics that folks feel very strongly about, and often these opinions are not coming from personal experience. They also frequently conflict with each other. Feels like a war. All of these strong feelings and conflict that didn’t belong to me, but were about me, pushed their way into my mind, filling the space that was meant to be mine, to process, to make meaning and to become a thriving part of myself.
At the heart of the Hearing Voices Movement is the respect for the diversity of views regarding our experiences and the humble wish to support, and empower others in theirs. This simplicity has always felt very good to me, like the shedding of unnecessary things. Like the silencing of warring characters.
But the war wasn’t in this group. There was space and even a little silence in this group.
Without all of the noise of the outside world I could finally start to express and process what I had experienced. As I expressed myself over time, I began to remember things. Things from my childhood and adolescence. These were very important memories. They were memories that I needed.
I also began to realize things and to identify with positive feelings, with strengths, with notions and with characters that balanced out the terror in my mind. This group gave me the space to experience what really was mine. My spirituality. My inner parts. My voice.
Thank you to everyone who works so hard to keep it going!